26 October 2010 - 18 Heshvan 5771 - י"ח חשון ה' אלפים תשע"א
A Man Called his Mother in Florida Print E-mail

A man called his mother in Florida , ‘Mom, how are you?'

‘Not too good,' said the mother, ‘I've been very weak.'

The son said, ‘Why are you so weak?'

She said, ‘Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.'

The son said, ‘That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?'

The mother answered, ‘Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food in case you should call.'

• There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

• A car hits an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, ‘Are you comfortable?' The man says, ‘I make a good living.'

• I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

• I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

• When we go out, my wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

• My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

• My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

• My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

• She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

• The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

• The same doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, ‘Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back.' Mrs. Cohen answered, ‘So did my arthritis!

• Doctor: ‘You'll live to be 70!' Patient: ‘I an 70! Doctor: ‘See! What did I tell you?

• A doctor holds a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks,'Doc, how do I stand?' The doctor answers, ‘That's what puzzles me!'

• Patient: ‘I have a ringing in my ears.' Doctor: ‘Don't answer it!'

• The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food. They found out it's because Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.

• A beggar asked a Jewish fellow, ‘Give me $10 till payday.' The Jewish fellow responded, ‘When's payday?' The beggar said, ‘I don't know! You're the one that's working!'

• Q: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? - A: They're worth it.

• I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

• There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In the Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

• A man goes to his doctor and says, ‘Doc, I got seenus trouble.' Doctor: ‘Don't you mean sinus trouble?' Man: ‘No, I was out with my girlfriend and my wife seen us.'

• Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? - A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

• A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the school play. She asks, ‘What part is it?' The boy says, ‘I play the part of the Jewish husband.' The mother scowls and says, ‘Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.'

• Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) ‘Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.'


(Issue February 2009)

The Difference Print E-mail

A Jewish man went to the races for the first time.

Not knowing a thing about horse racing, he went to the paddock to take a look. He saw a rabbi blessing one of the horses.

He wrote down the number and placed a $2 bet. Sure enough, the horse won and the man won $20. He went down to the paddock again and the rabbi was blessing another horse.

He wrote down the number, bet his $20 and again the horse won, earning $100. This went on, race after race, until the Jewish man had won $5,000.

Just before the last race, he watched the rabbi bless another horse. He bet the whole $5,000, but this time the horse came in dead last!

Surprised, he ran down and yelled to the rabbi, “Why did every horse you bless win except the last one? He came in dead last!”

The rabbi replied, “That’s the problem with you non-religious Jews: You don’t know the difference between a bracha and a kaddish!”

Actual personal ads from the Israeli Press Print E-mail

■ Yeshiva bocha, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.

■ Worried about in-law meddling? I’m an orphan! Write.

■ Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.

■ Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie).

■ Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.

■ 80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can’t I?

■ I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.

■ Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.

■ Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

■ Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.

■ Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.

More Articles...
<< Start < Prev 1 2 3 4 5 Next > End >>

Jewish Times Asia is published by Jewish Times Asia Ltd. © Copyright 2010.
Material in the newspaper or on this site may not be used or reproduced in any form or in any way without permission from the editor.
While every effort has been made to ensure the content is true and accurate, the publisher is not responsible for any errors or omissions in the printed text.