A man called his mother in Florida , â€˜Mom, how are you?'
â€˜Not too good,' said the mother, â€˜I've been very weak.'
The son said, â€˜Why are you so weak?'
She said, â€˜Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.'
The son said, â€˜That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?'
The mother answered, â€˜Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food in case you should call.'
â€¢ There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
â€¢ A car hits an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, â€˜Are you comfortable?' The man says, â€˜I make a good living.'
â€¢ I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
â€¢ I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
â€¢ When we go out, my wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
â€¢ My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
â€¢ My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
â€¢ My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
â€¢ She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
â€¢ The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
â€¢ The same doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, â€˜Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back.' Mrs. Cohen answered, â€˜So did my arthritis!
â€¢ Doctor: â€˜You'll live to be 70!' Patient: â€˜I an 70! Doctor: â€˜See! What did I tell you?
â€¢ A doctor holds a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks,'Doc, how do I stand?' The doctor answers, â€˜That's what puzzles me!'
â€¢ Patient: â€˜I have a ringing in my ears.' Doctor: â€˜Don't answer it!'
â€¢ The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food. They found out it's because Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.
â€¢ A beggar asked a Jewish fellow, â€˜Give me $10 till payday.' The Jewish fellow responded, â€˜When's payday?' The beggar said, â€˜I don't know! You're the one that's working!'
â€¢ Q: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? - A: They're worth it.
â€¢ I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
â€¢ There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In the Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
â€¢ A man goes to his doctor and says, â€˜Doc, I got seenus trouble.' Doctor: â€˜Don't you mean sinus trouble?' Man: â€˜No, I was out with my girlfriend and my wife seen us.'
â€¢ Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? - A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
â€¢ A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the school play. She asks, â€˜What part is it?' The boy says, â€˜I play the part of the Jewish husband.' The mother scowls and says, â€˜Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.'
â€¢ Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) â€˜Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.'
(Issue February 2009)